Hi, lets start with the basics. I am a 15 year old girl, turning 16 next month. Some of my friends, my brother, my mom, and I are starting to think I am kind of bipolar. I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m scared of being diagnosed. I can’t help but think, "what if people get mad at me? What if they call me crazy?"
I have extreme anxiety, and I get it a lot. At times my mom is afraid she will have to take me to the hospital, so they can calm me down. When this happens my heart rate increases, I can barely breath, I shake, I can’t concentrate on anything, I cry, and I get really dizzy to the point I can’t walk on my own.
I have bad mood swings, that are normally not caused by anything. I’ve been diagnosed with depression about 3-4 years ago, but my mom would never let me take anything for it. She said that it wouldn’t help me.
But now it is getting worse, I’m having suicidal thoughts, and I feel worthless for weeks at a time and nothing can stop it. I feel that if I killed myself, no body would care, and it hurts. Then after a few weeks of being extremely depressed, it just disappears, and I feel normal for a couple of days.
After that something I wake up feeling depressed again, and don’t want to get up, but other days I shoot out of bed and am really hyper, jumping up and down, talking really fast, huge smile covering my face, and all while this is happening I feel unusually happy, but also as if I’m experiencing what I’m living, out of my body. I feel as though I’m watching myself live my life, like I’m just an outsider.
I get high bursts of anger, that come on randomly and make me start hitting things, and threaten people, but I don’t understand this because I’m a pacifist and hate violence at all costs, but then I break down crying. There is usually no trigger, it just happens. The sight and smell of blood also send me into a crazy spiral, where I feel I’m going to pass out just by smelling it, and seeing it.
I have trusting issues where I won’t let people fully get to know me, not even my best friend, because I’m afraid of getting hurt, or getting called crazy.
I sometimes "see, and hear" things. I can look one way and be staring at something, but then someone asks what I’m staring at and I tell them, and when they look they say, "are you feeling okay because there is nothing there?" This happens a lot, and the one that scares me the most, is that I always feel as if I am being watched, and when I look around, this person (who always changes) is looking at me, and I turn away after, like, a five minute staring contest, then when I look back not a second later, they are gone.
The hearing thing is my name being whispered, me thinking that somebody is talking to me so I hold a conversation, but when I look up from what I’m doing, either nobody is there or people look at me like I’m crazy. I have really good hearing, and my family thinks that if somebody dropped a needle in a pile of grass, I would hear it.
One more thing I hear, is squealing tires, like somebody is about to get into a car accident, but I’ve never been in one.
I love the outdoors, but when I’m out there just standing I feel peaceful, but then I feel again as though I’m just watching myself, and not actually experiencing what my body was.
Also if it counts to anything, I was hit in the head with a rock when I was little, and my head did sorta split open, and there was a lot of blood, but I was alone at the time, and I never told anyone. I was about 7 or 8.
So, can somebody help me. Do I sound bipolar, or do you think it is some other mental condition? And if it is bipolar or a mental condition, how should I approach my doctor?
